Being a father…..someone once asked me what being a father is like especially as I’m considered an “aged” father….OK I was 44 when my second little one came along.
So what’s it like…well it has its ups and downs but then so does a see-saw and that’s what it can be like…ups and downs, highs and lows, etc. Sometimes it can be easy and sometimes it can be extremely difficult, but the hardest part is your relationship with your partner changes…no ifs or buts, it changes. Your whole life is now centred on this little bundle of joy you’ve created, this little bundle that needs you for everything twenty-four/seven, even at the age of five. Don’t get me wrong it’s not the sleepless nights as I haven’t properly slept all night for years, never have and probably never will until they screw down the last bolt in my box.
Something changes and I must admit I’ve become less tolerant of people…to a point of being grumpy…as my little one says ”like Daddy Pig”. I haven’t meant to or even mean too, it has just happened and it’s not who I am. My goodness I try. Sometimes I wish I could just open that bottle of wine sat on the worktop or that bottle of now out of date ale and just drink the lot but I can’t.
If the truth be known I sometimes feel like a prisoner BUT it was my and my partner’s choice or rather my choice to have children at such a late age and I thanks our Creator for her and her sister daily, given the history but for now….
For now I’m struggling, I’m constantly at loggerheads with my partner, I have a Jekyll and Hyde complex which can switch in a split second without prior warning and our friends have fallen by the wayside as you make acquaintances with parents of children in your little one’s class at the child-minder, pre-school, reception and upwards through the school year, some of whom…well let’s leave it there.
I know what to do and my goodness I’m trying, sometimes even my partner says I’m very trying but at the end of the day I’m a father and like every father everywhere we will get it wrong, we will say the wrong thing and do the wrong thing and there will be testing times but it does not mean we love our partner and child or children less, no we love them even more despite our failings.
One of my pleasures is my little one ask me to play rock’n’roll in the van going to school and then once we’ve parked up hearing her sing along to various prog rock songs on my jukebox, her favourites at the moment being “Ditchwater Daisies” and “Hallsands” or playing air guitar to “Shadowborn”.
It’s the simple pleasures that keep me going every day, knowing that when I wake I have been tasked with two ladies to take care of until I breathe my last.